“Damn punk kids! Get off of my lawn!” -You in 40 years

or

“The universe is a mysterious thing, full of wonder and beauty.” -You in 40 years if you turn off the Kardashians and take a look at this amazing universe.

Because we don’t want to get old and gray and get all jaded and cranky, we’re going to try to get outside of ourselves and immerse our brains in something amazing. In order to avoid that whole cold and heartless nerd defeating you at WOW, we’re going to start a mind expanding series here on Weekly Geekly.

Woah. Woah. Not so fast there, hippie. I don’t want you to even think about my chakras, or prana, or the state of my consciousness.  You don’t know me. For all you know, I’m a straight laced pharmacy tech. Take that homeopathy!

Instead of finding our spirit animal or connecting to mother earth, we’re going to go the nerd route. The geeky go to for being amazed? Well, space of course. If there’s anything that can warm a nerd’s little cold and BSG filled heart, it’s a time lapse video taken from a space station.

Why? Because it’s touching, but it’s not too warm and fuzzy. You can watch videos like this one and say it’s in the name of science and observation. It’s an intellectual endeavor, sure, but it’s one that can lead to obtaining that humility that we nerds have a hard time finding sometimes. Yes, I agree that you’re smarter than most of the humans. Me too! Let’s be geek friends!

Now that we’re bros besties pals… well, now that we agree that we’re both smarter than most people, let’s take on a special project. Let’s find cool stuff about space to share with each other. This time lapse video is my first offering to you.

Do you have anything spacey that will blow my mind?

That title is super professional and all, because that’s what I aim to bring you here at the Weekly Geekly… High class journalism with flair. Minus the journalism and the flair, with a little added debauchery and duchebaggery.

It’s as if we haven’t effed up the world enough by doing everything we can to play god and one up nature. It is as if. As if.

That was a throwback to the 90′s hit Clueless and the word throwback is the segue to our next point. These lab coat wearing picnic haters scientists, are doing a throwback to ancient ants by doping regular ants up with hormones that play on old genetic markers… You know what, eff this. They’re huge. That’s all you need to know. Because, let’s be honest, if I tell you any more, you’re going to think “well that sounds sciency and cool.” And that’s exactly what they want you to think. They want to say sciency things and make you believe that everything they’re doing is legit (is using the word sciency twice, and eff three times, in one blog post too journalistic?). They say stuff like…

Authors Dr Rajendhran Rajakumar, from McGill University [not to be confused with University of Phoenix], Canada, and colleagues wrote: ‘We uncovered an ancestral development potential to produce a novel supersoldier subcaste that has been retained throughout a hyperdiverse ant genus that evolved 35 to 60 million years ago.’
The results suggest that holding on to ancestral development toolkits may play an important role in evolving new physical traits, say the researchers. [via. Daily Mail]

to keep you from thinking, “Holy sh*t! Scientists are making giant ants with giant friggin’ pincers that will one day take over the world!”  Because why else would they possibly do such a thing. What is the point of making giant ants? Explain this to me, please Dr. Raj Raj.

What do you think about these insect beasts? 

Is it the minutes, hours, days, weeks months,or  space between us and the edge of the universe? Is it when the sun comes up, the sun goes down, the moon comes out and people dance all around? Is it relative to our thoughts? Can I make time my b*tch? Does it even exist? Eff. Who cares? All I know is that it’s not organized correctly. How many times have I thought, “Dome on! I don’t want to buy a new kittens in pajamas calendar every. damn. year!” Also, I’m tired of asking people what date it is, and when they respond with the word day, I have to say, “No, the number day.” Because that sounds so stupid.

Enter two guys who think we can do better than the Gregorian calendar. They’ve devised a new way to organize time in a more orderly fashion. The same dates would fall on the same days every year, and the months would all have thirty days and other ones would only have thirty and we’d skip the leap… yeah, it doesn’t matter. It’s not going to happen.

This is America, John Hopkins University Professors. We’re still bucking the metric system. That’s just because we don’t want to measure our flour in pints (that’s metric, right?). You want to change time? The fabric of existence? Riiiiight.

The best part? The comments section of the article on CNN is filled with folks saying the Docs ripped someone else off, or that they had the idea first.

Professors Henry and Hanke’s calendar is an almost direct copy of a calendar created years ago by University of Toronto professor Irv Bromberg, Symetry010. His previous effort at a calendar was similar, but this one differs only on which months are 31 days, and in that it starts on a Saturday rather than a Sunday. Just thought the world should know.

Rip off cough! That was me coughing the  phrase ‘rip off’. How are you supposed to write that? Anywho, these guys stole an idea that will never come into action. Should have stuck with the plan to steal secrets from the sex doll industry. That would really help people.

Hope you’re having a happy new year! May it be filled with 28 day months and 31 day months and leaps!

Yeah, so Christmas is winding down. If I were you, I wouldn’t hold my breath that your super secret Christmas wishes are going to be fulfilled. They won’t. See, I still haven’t received the soul I asked for (I sold mine to the devil for a Tickle Me Elmo back in 97).

Just give it up already and doing what the rest of the free world is doing. Snuggle up with your giant chocolate Santa, second copy of Black Ops (come on grandma! I told you I already had that one), and realize that if love is the greatest gift, than you got jipped on that too.

If you’re a woman, your Christmas coma might start off with some of those Dove chocolates with the sayings inside the wrapper that make you feel like a lonely menopausal spinster. You can clutch onto that Victoria’s Secret gift card for $5 (that’ll take care of half a thong) and the lotion that makes you smell like a dead hooker (do you not have nostrils, people?).

Okay, so here’s what I’m going to do to cheer you up. I’m going to show you a bunch of awesome and awful things that other people got for Christmas. It will make you understand that things could have been worse… but then again, they could have been so much better. You’re welcome in advance…

A guy got this from his brother in law. I wish chicks could pull this kind of thing off. If I sent my sister in law a blanket featuring me in undewear posing suggestively, yet comically on a bed, I’m not sure the reaction would be so “hahha! Let’s put this on the internet,” as it would be, “Ummm. Let’s never speak of this again.” I guess we’ll find out next year.

Aparently, I’m really into textiles today! I can’t tell you how many times I said, “Mama like!” when I saw this. Okay, it was once and I didn’t do it out loud.

 http://youtu.be/F9XNfWNooz4

And here’s my Christmas gift to you… No, it’s not that video. It’s the fact that you can stop that video at any time. If you’re hispanic, you might want to stop before they get to Feliz Navidad. It’s god awful. Happy holidays folks!

What up geeks?

Oh man. It’s been a long week! Do I say that every week? It must be true then. Let’s get to the important headlines from the last week.

Kim Jong Il is Dead and Probably Has Been For Several Years

So, this isn’t really nerd news, but Kim Jong-Il’s seventh body double died today, and there was no way the eigth guy was going to fool anyone. He was like an asian Sloth from Goonies. The only reason he got that job in the first place was because his mother was Kim Jong-Il’s sunglasses designer. Fricking nepotism.  So they’re giving up the charade and pronouncing the Dear Leader deceased. They say it’s general fatigue, but I’m guessing it’s a combination of herpes, gout and clogged arteries. Dictators always die from lazy, whorey, fat a** diseases or… well, they get torched in a ditch. So here’s to Kim Jung-Il [raises glass]. The coniac and donald duck memorabilia industries will miss you most. Everyone else thinks you’re a d*ckweed.

The Future 2.0: Now With Fewer Hippies and Smelly Roommates

Some scientists somewhere invented cotton that cleans itself in the sun because it’s covered by something that sounds like the Terminator’s body fluid. You can read the story here and make as many jokes as you want about your Call of Duty loving roommate or your brother’s Burning Man loving girlfriend in the comments section below.

Quantum Theory In Pixels

I’m not even sure I know what quantum theory really is. I remember somebody telling me that it was about putting a cat in a box and shooting it. All I learned from that lesson is that dudes in juvy put out. Pretty sure a quantum physicists is a just dude who went to Florida Tech Online, who makes bongs out of beakers and says stuff like, “we’re all connected by our energetic forces because matter doesn’t exist and I don’t exist and you don’t exist and it’s all so….. beautiful.” Here, some nerds try to explain it with pixels.

Hola Nerds!

This week’s Weekly Geekly comes to you from Panama! I just wanted to let you know because everything is going to be super different this week. Nah, it’ll actually be exactly the same. Their internet has a bunch of crazy sh*t on it too (it’s the same one). I just wanted to brag to you geeks about how crazy much I’ve been getting laid lately since I’m in a foreign country. It’s been insane. It’s been like one long… time period of having sex (Bonerfest?Sexytime? Laidnugget? I’m good with my sex terms).

Nah, it’s actually exactly the same way it is at home. In case you aren’t aware, at home, I cry myself to sleep after watching Total Recall twice while I trim my toenails with my teeth. I thought I’d be able to pass it off as a cultural thing. No luck.

Anywho, there’s a ton of awesome and ridiculous crap on the internet this week, but I’m going for more of a Christmas theme because the 80 degree weather is really making me dream of a white Christmas. NOT. I think the last time someone used ‘not’ like that was in Borat. Bringin’ it back!

Okay. Here’s some stuff from the internet that you could totally find on other sites if you looked hard enough can be seen nowhere else in the world because I am the best journalist ever. Newsflash! Breaking news! Stop the presses! Have I got a story for you… Guy In Bunk Above Me Plays With Wiener, Makes Bunk Squeak and Shake

Right? Connie Chung ain’t got sh*t on me. Okay, seriously this time, here’s some nerd stuff:

This is What People Who Like Metal Do in Their Spare Time

This guy spent hours, days, weeks choreographing his Christmas lights to his favorite metal tunes. He even makes the snowman do that squeely death metal singing thing they do. I know a ton about metal. If you’re not a fan, skip to the middle just to see how crazy intricate this is. I bet this guy gets laid just as much as I do.

[via Geekologie]

iPhone Macro Lens Makes Things Look Like They’re Going to Smackro You in the Face

Man, that’s one hell of a headline. Especially for a story that’s going to be this short. I went to the top online school for journalism and all I got was this e-ploma. Here’s a cool macro lens that attaches to your iPhone via rubber band. Pretty genius.

Passive Aggressive Gifts For Jerkwads

This gift giving guide from Jezebel gives perfect passive aggressive gift ideas for those jerkwads in your life. Did you like how that sentence was just the headline with a few extra words mixed in?

What did you find this week?